Closet
by gabrielleabelle
Summary: A series of one-shots depicting the secret lesbian affair of Willow and Cordelia. Xander's not the only geek who got the cheerleader.
1. Like

**Author's Note:** Set in S2 during _School Hard_.

Broom. Paper towels. No-smoking sign. Pine-Sol. Um...mop.

Willow was fast running out of distractions to keep her entertained.

Maybe they could try to leave the closet.

No. No, cause, vampires! _Spike_! She didn't want to meet up with that guy cause...trouble...

But why? Of all the people she was stuck in the closet with, why Cordelia?

She was the president of the "We Hate Cordelia" club, after all. And, okay, yeah, Cordelia had been less snobby lately, but she still wouldn't give Willow the time of day if Willow were in desperate need of...time...

It had always been like that. Cordelia teasing her or ignoring her, and Willow just letting her get away with it. Cause that's what Willow does. And, yeah, so Cordelia was really pretty, but that didn't mean she was as great as she thought she was.

Not that Willow thought much about how pretty Cordelia was. Cause...yuck! Also, confusing.

And Willow didn't at all notice how striking Cordelia looked tonight with the splashes of red on her dress and her hair upswept and bare arms, toned very finely from her cheerleading. Then with the dress that displayed those slender and, wow, long legs!

Okay, so maybe she _did_ notice, but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary, right? Cause people notice that stuff.

"I'm bored." Cordelia interrupted Willow's thoughts. That was a relief. "I haven't heard any noise for a while. Maybe we should go out there."

Willow shook her head. "Let's wait a while longer." Cordelia gave her a blank look. "Just in case. I mean, I don't feel like fighting off a gang of vampires if you're wrong..."

Cordelia rolled her eyes, resting her elbow on her knee and her head in her hand. "Whatever. Ugh, this closet is so gross."

Willow had avoided looking at the floor, which had a liberal coating of dirt and some unidentified liquid residue. She nodded. "Yeah. I could have told you not to kneel in here."

"Well, you should have warned me. Geez, what good is being a brain if you don't tell people what to do?" Cordelia scowled at her dirty knees.

"Right, cause you're always so _happy_ to listen to what I have to say." Wow, why did she sound so bitter?

"Hey, I listen to what you have to say!" Cordelia raised her head. "Cause...sometimes you say smart stuff. I listen!"

Willow pressed her lips together. "Okay, maybe you do now because we've saved your life."

Cordelia stood up, stretching slightly. "It's no use worrying about being popular if you're dead. So yeah." She shrugged.

"So that's all we are? Just people who keep you from being dead? Is it _always_ about you? I mean, does your world _really_ revolve around yourself? Cause...just thinking...nobody can really be _that_ shallow, you know? But then, there you are! All...shallow..." That was a lot of words. A lot of honest words. Willow's palms were sweating and she was beginning to feel the claustrophobia of being in such a small space. With Cordelia.

"What's your problem? Do you honestly care?"

Willow stood up. Okay, Cordelia still towered over her, but at least now they were sorta at eye level. Sorta...if Willow stood on her tiptoes, but that would look kinda pathetic so she didn't.

"It's just some people - normal people - like to think that other people hang out with them because, you know, they _like_ them. I mean, do you like _anybody_ but yourself?" Her heart was beating really loudly. Probably like a siren call to any vamps out there. Willow hoped they were all gone. "Do you like...like, me?"

Cordelia was doing the squinty-eye thing that she did when she was thinking, and Willow suddenly felt very stupid and wanted to dash from the closet. But Cordelia was in front of the door. Facing vamps would be easier.

Finally, after a long silence, Cordelia said, "I don't _not_ like you. I guess. I never thought about you much before the whole demon thing started up. But now that we're...not 'hanging out' cause, as if! But now that we're spending time together very, very rarely, you're not bad."

Willow found she could breathe again. Cordelia was staring up at the ceiling, looking thoughtful.

"It's just you've always been so quiet and loserish," Cordelia continued. "But now that I _have_ to pay attention to you since, you know, you sometimes save my life, you're actually kinda, I don't know, cute. Like, I thought you were a loser cause you couldn't be popular, but it's more like you don't _want_ to be popular, which is weird, but it works for you, you know?"

Willow smiled. "That's really nice, Cordelia."

Cordelia smiled back at her. It was...wow. The room got very hot.

"So, do you like me?" Cordelia waited expectantly.

Like Cordelia? Of course Willow didn't like Cordelia! Cause...club! Hate her! She's everything..._everything_ Willow despised. And she's just so...so...

...looking at her with a genuine smile. Like it actually _means_ something that Willow might like her. And the smile made Cordelia look so bright and beautiful and her hair falling stylishly around her face that Willow just wanted to run her hands through and smell and why was that so weird anyway?

And if there _were_ vampires outside, then they may be doomed, and so what was the harm in giving into her urges just this once?

Then before Willow's brain could follow its runaway train of thought, Willow was standing on her tiptoes and pressing her lips to Cordelia's. And Willow's brain came to a full stop as she rested her hands lightly on the taller girl's hips and enjoyed the tantalizing softness of her lips.

Willow expected Cordelia to push her away or slap her or yell and recoil in horror. But after a brief second, Cordelia's arm slipped around Willow's waist and the kiss deepened.

Willow's first kiss. She didn't know any words to describe it because she was so lost in the feelings and the warmth and sweet tenderness of the moment.

Feeling more bold, Willow pulled Cordelia closer to her. She had the cheerleader by the tongue. Well, she had the cheerleader nibbling at her lower lip and pressing her body against hers, and Willow could feel Cordelia's breasts just above her own, and she was trying to think of reasons to _not_ reach up and touch them -

"Police! Anybody here?"

The moment broke, and Willow was pushed back against the metal shelves. The distant voice outside in the hallway signaled the all-clear. And Cordelia wore a look of absolute panic which would have been funny in any other situation but here it just made Willow start to feel all panicky too.

"Oh god..." Cordelia gasped. She turned and grabbed the door handle. Before she opened the door, though, she pivoted back at Willow with a steely-eyed look. "This _didn't_ happen, and if you ever say it _did_, I will do everything in my power to _ruin_ you completely." She paused. "Cordelia Chase does _not_ make out in closets." She frowned and added, as an afterthought, "Especially with girls!"

Willow watched Cordelia exit the closet.

She smiled, knowing that nothing Cordelia could do would ruin her. And nothing would be able to tarnish the memory of that amazing kiss.

Willow began to think she might be kinda gay.


	2. Curves

**Author's Note:** Set in S2 between _Phases_ and _Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered_.

"Okay, that doesn't look right," Cordelia sat back and squinted at the graph.

Willow pressed her lips together cause, yeah, it didn't look right at all.

"Well, it's not very...parabolic." Willow grabbed her own pencil to see how she could fix it.

"Why are we graphing this anyway? Oooo...look! I can figure out random numbers from this formula and draw a picture on a grid! Please hire me! Seriously." Cordelia threw her pencil down and folded her arms in frustration.

So, the whole "studying together" thing wasn't going so well. It was the first time Cordelia had been over to her house, but Cordy had asked for math help. And Willow's the Math Helper.

Things were just...weird now.

"So, Oz is a werewolf?" Cordelia turned to look at her.

Oh, of course. Right. Cordelia would insist on walking up and petting the huge elephant in the room. Cause that's what she did.

And, okay, yeah, she and Cordy had been getting along lately. And they'd even talked about boys together. Then Cordy asking for homework help and a private study date - no! Not a date. It was a get-together. Get-togethers were non-datelike and completely devoid of any romantic tension.

Cause Willow was with Oz now, and Oz was cool and sweet and sensitive and a guitarist, and how cool did that make her that her boyfriend - yes, boyfriend! - was a guitarist?

Oh, yeah. Cordelia had asked her a question.

"Yeah. He's all with the wolfiness every month."

"Better than having an evil killer vampire for a boyfriend," Cordelia rolled her eyes. "And at least you guys aren't in that weird holding pattern anymore, you know?"

Willow nodded. "And you with Xander. I mean, unless he's still not quite all there with you..."

"Xander doesn't know what he wants. Just like a guy."

Xander _was_ just like a guy. But he was also Willow's best friend, and Willow didn't want to do anything that would hurt him like openly ogling his girlfriend while she was over on a study date...get-together.

But their chairs were right next to each other, and Cordy's body heat was mixing with hers and she was wearing a short skirt so Willow kept accidentally brushing her hand against Cordy's legs and wow, they felt nice, but that wasn't what she should be thinking cause...Xander! Friend!

"So what do _you_ want?" Willow finally asked. "I mean, do you want Xander or is it just...a thing?"

Cordelia got that thoughtful look that she should have had while graphing quadratic functions. "Maybe it is just a thing. A 'making out in closets' thing."

If it were possible for Willow to disappear in a cloud of smoke, she probably would have done so. Because that incident had _never_ been brought up and here Cordelia was talking about it so casually like it was no big deal when it was a big deal except that they didn't make it a big deal because it was also a little strange.

"Um...so you like making out in closets?" Why did her voice squeak like that when she was nervous?

"Well, that's how Xander and I started out. Actually, we started in Buffy's basement. But after that it was a closet thing. And...I don't know. It was kinda gross and totally weird at the time, but looking back..."

Of course. Cordy was talking about her and Xander. Right. Cause Cordelia had probably repressed about the whole _other_ closet thing, and ten years down the road some hypnotist will unlock the memory and Cordelia will be all traumatized and Lifetime special about it and...

Okay, Willow had to learn to tell her brain when to stop.

Willow was considering how to respond when Cordelia reached a hand to turn Willow's face towards her. Before any thought could enter Willow's head, Cordy's lips were on hers. Forceful and demanding, the cheerleader wasted no time in utilizing her tongue to tease and explore at her leisure.

Cordelia's hand burned a trail of pure fire through Willow's clothes as she caressed from shoulder down to breast. Willow gasped, finally reacting by grabbing Cordelia's waist and pulling her closer. The chairs knocked together as the girls grappled in their embrace.

Willow pulled back to breathe. Cause breath...kinda of the good, and Cordy had almost literally knocked it from her. The frantic passion didn't end, though, as Willow lowered her head to focus attention on Cordy's neck. Teeth nipping and tongue languorously laving. Cordelia's breath hitched and a jolt of pure, unadulterated pleasure shot through Willow's core. She roughly grabbed at Cordelia's breast through her sweater.

Cordy's hands tangled in her hair, firmly pulling her head up and directing Willow to her mouth. Willow eagerly met her lips again. It wasn't gentle and sweet, like kissing Oz. It was rough and unrestrained. All of Cordelia clashing with all of Willow and mixing with delirious delight. Willow smiled while biting down on Cordy's lower lip, enjoying the sound of the other girl's moan as Willow's hand traveled up under her sweater.

Rational thought had made a sudden and welcome exit the moment Cordelia had kissed her.

Cordy threw her head back when Willow pulled down her bra to stroke across Cordy's firm flesh. Willow leaned towards Cordy, compelled by the singular desire of getting as close as possible to her.

Willow sucking at the nape of her neck, teasing a bright red mark that would last for days.

Cordelia's hand pulling up Willow's shirt to scratch manicured nails across her back.

Willow palming Cordy's breast, sensually torturing her and making her nipple harden with arousal.

Cordelia grasping at Willow's hair, holding on tight as her body was overtaken with sensation.

Still...Willow wanted to be closer.

"Yes..." The word escaped Cordy's mouth in an exhale. She leaned back as Willow moved her hand down, intent on a new target. Two fingers trailed along Cordy's taut stomach. Cordy's abdomen moved quickly with her rapid breathing. And another hitch of breath was released as Willow reached the top of Cordy's skirt -

Cordelia fell over backwards along with her chair. Willow moved quickly, catching herself on the desk before following. She would have landed uncomfortably on top of the overturned chair. Her own chair was balancing on two legs.

Well, they maybe should have moved to the bed at some point.

Willow set her chair upright. Her head was spinning and her lungs weren't pulling in as much air as they should. Cause...had that been real? No. Must have been a daydream. A really amazing daydream. That apparently knocked Cordelia to the floor.

Cordelia was on her feet quickly, smoothing out her sweater and adjusting her bra. She cleared her throat and looked self-consciously disheveled.

"That was...I'm actually gonna go now because I just remembered that I have to pick up...um...lilies for my mom cause she has a thing tomorrow for the Women's Association and they need, you know, flowers. So I'm gonna take my stuff and leave. Now." With an uncharacteristically nervous shuffle, Cordelia gathered her books and practically fled from the room.

Willow was left with one overturned chair, an Algebra textbook, and a persistent tingly feeling in an inconvenient place. And as her heart calmed down from its frantic beating, she became aware of the cold sensation of missing Cordy's body heat. Of missing Cordy's body.

As if on cue, Cordy reappeared at the door looking a bit more composed, though her face was still flushed.

"Oh, and just in case you're curious, I was wrong."

Wrong? About what? Leaving? Falling over? The parabolic curve?

"It wasn't the closet thing that made the kissing good." Cordelia looked like she might have more to say, but she stopped there. Instead, she turned and left for a second time.

Willow smiled. So Cordelia hadn't been talking about her and Xander after all.


	3. Soap

**Author's Note**: Set in S3 between _Doppelgangland_ and _Enemies_.

Thanks for any and all reviews. I actually mainly live on Livejournal, and I'm just getting around to cross-posting some of my fics here. This series isn't completed, but there are a couple more chapters already written that I'm bringing over. I appreciate the interest. Please enjoy. :)

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There were three sinks in the bathroom. The one on the far right had non-worky faucets. You could twist and twist but nothing would happen. In fact, a spider had started making a home in it on top of the trash people threw in (because the janitors had taken the trash can and forgot to put it back). The middle sink had a huge piece of chewing gum stuck to the basin and, thus, was tainted and unusable.

So Willow went to the sink on the left. Slightly dirty, but no taintedness or spiders.

The door to the bathroom opened and Cordelia walked in. She was wearing her cheerleading outfit. Of course, cause why else would Cordelia be here after school except for cheerleading? She didn't help with the Slayer stuff anymore. Not since...

Oh, yeah. Willow lathered her hands roughly. Seeing Cordelia...not an appealing idea. Except it was more than an idea cause...there she was.

"You know, they should have a different bathroom for skanky boyfriend-stealing hoes." Cordelia said cheerfully as she approached the middle sink. She had her lipstick already out.

Okay, valid point about the boyfriend-stealing part. Well, except that Willow didn't _steal_ Xander. She just kissed him. A few times. And that was bad, yes. But...well, she'd groveled, okay? And Oz forgave her! And...'skanky'?

Willow paused with soapy hands. "That's kinda funny coming from the girl who's been drooling over Wesley for the past few weeks. Really, where's your bucket? You know...for the drool..."

Cordelia's eyes fluttered in annoyance as she applied her lipstick. She smacked her lips together. "That just means I've moved on to better things than little boy Xander."

"So, then, I did you a favor." The water washed the soap bubbles off.

"Oh, right. Big favor. Metal bar? Hospital? Remember?"

"Yeah, you got hurt. Okay, we got it. And I felt bad for you...when it happened. But it's over, and now you're all Queen Bitch of Bitchdonia to us when, you know, we used to be friends."

"Do you blame me? Who'd wanna hang out with you freaks now that I'm not shackled to Xander Harris?" Cordelia threw her lipstick back into her make-up bag.

"So, what? You were just pretending to be our friends cause you were with Xander?" Cause...not true! Definitely...well, probably not. Cause they liked each other, right? As friends, of course.

Cordelia sighed. "Is this so important to you? You know what, Willow? You, little geeky brainiac schoolgirl, won. You got your Oz. And you got your Xander. You happy?"

"No!" Willow frowned. "NotI don't 'have' Xander, and I don't want him, and that's not what this is about anyway. Do you want an apology? Cause I'm sorry about what happened. I mean, what more do you want? Public flogging or a letter to Dear Abby or an announcement on the school intercom or...what? Cause you just seem determined to use that one little...event to not be friends with me - or...any of us, and that's just...dumb."

"I think I prefer you as a vampire. You know, at least with her I know when I see the rrrr bumpies that I can't trust her. You, thoughyou're sneaky." Her arms were crossed and her eyes were narrow and steely, and Willow couldn't help but feel stared down. Cause...well, that's what Cordelia was doing.

"You can trust me," Willow protested. She knew she was totally trustworthy! Except for a few minor indiscretions which meant _nothing_ and were completely stupid, but she knew that now so...trustworthy!

"Can I? Cause I did. I trusted _both_ of you. And Xander was supposed to be the unstealable boyfriend, and then _you_ who I probably trusted more than - " Cordelia cut herself off. She shook her head slightly. "You weren't supposed to do that. Then I lost Xander and was a social reject because hey! Look who got cheated on! Cordelia! How do you think I could stand to be around you guys after that?"

Oh. Yeah, that was all kinda...bad. "I'm sorry," Willow said. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"And yet, I'm still hurt. By you." Cordelia released a huff of breath and snatched her make-up bag. She was about to turn to leave.

It shouldn't be that big a deal. It was just Cordelia. Nobody else in the group was missing her or anything. And, yeah, she and Cordelia had had some...um...close moments in the past. But Willow was all Oz's now. Cause Oz was in a band! And smart! In a slacker, doesn't-like-to-show-it way, but still! So it's not like Willow _needed_ Cordelia or anything. After all, she was stuck-up and bossy and vain and _she_ was skanky and Willow didn't know why she even looked twice at her last year cause it's not like seeing Cordelia made her stomach go all twirly...

Except it did. So maybe Willow wasn't quite _all_ Oz's. That was a confusing and frightening thought. Willow had accepted the whole "she might be gay" thing seeing as it was kinda hard to deny it. But it's not anything she wanted to let people _know_ about cause...well...it would be kinda messy. So it was just easier to be with Oz, and, hey, she liked Oz so it's not like she was making herself unhappy or anything. But Cordy...

Cordy had turned her back on the most important thing in her life to be with them. And, okay, so the most important thing in her life had been her popular status which was really shallow, but it meant something. Because Cordy had genuinely _liked_ them and talked to them and helped them and dear god what had she done? Willow had betrayed her and humiliated her and just been a bad, bad friend.

Willow grabbed Cordelia's arm before she had made it to the bathroom door.

"Cordelia, wait!"

The cheerleader turned, looking expectantly impatient. "What?"

Willow released her arm. "What can I do to...make things better? Cause I miss you, and I want to make it up to you...somehow."

Cordelia was silent for a long while. Her expression was impassive, and she studied Willow suspiciously. After some intense internal deliberations, Cordelia stepped forward to close the gap between them. She reached out and tugged on Willow's hair.

"Well, you can _start_ by helping me study for that history exam next week." Her thumb brushed against Willow's bottom lip. "Then we'll see."

Relief and anticipation and happiness and a little nervousness all mixed and swelled together and Willow found herself smiling. She caught Cordelia's hand and gripped it tightly. "So...study date at my place tomorrow night?"

Cordelia laughed while turning to walk with Willow to the door. "See, it's that innocent schoolgirl routine. It's just too adorable to resist."

Feeling emboldened by the levity, Willow stopped before the door and stood on her toes slightly to hold Cordelia's face as she kissed her. An apology kiss. Because she owed her one. Plus, it doubled as a teaser kiss for the study date. Cordelia rested her hands on Willow's hips and pulled her body against her own.

When Willow stepped back to end the kiss, the distance between them didn't seem as great as it had when Cordelia had first entered the bathroom.

Willow and Cordy exited into the hallway. Cordelia looked over her shoulder. "I'm going out this way."

"Yeah, I gotta get back to the library. Scooby stuff," Willow shifted her weight from foot to foot.

"See you tomorrow night, then," Cordelia said. She began to walk away.

"So we're good?" Willow called after her.

Cordelia turned, walking slowly backwards to face her. "Yeah, we're good." She righted herself, and continued down the length of corridor.

Willow nodded. Good.


	4. Different

**Author's Note:** Set in S4 between AtS's _I Will Remember You_ and BtVS's _Something Blue_.

It was like resting her head against a squishy pillow. Well, two squishy pillows. That moved and that held the soothing rhythm of a quiet heartbeat. Plus, warm. And it smelled like...well, like some expensive lotion or body spray or something. Willow was sure it was Chanel or Tommy Hilfiger or some other big name brand that she knew nothing about.

The heart thumped. The chest rose. Willow grinned as her head rose with it. Cordy tugged at Willow's hair.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Just thinking about - " Your boobs? That didn't want to come out.

It didn't need to. Willow's butt received a sharp smack. "You little perv," Cordelia said. "I was telling you about that audition I had last week and you're giggling over my...boobies." Cordelia whispered the last word.

Willow raised her head to look at Cordy. The brunette couldn't hide the amused smirk, though she was still trying to look stern. "I was just thinking about how comfy I am." Willow whispered a finger down Cordy's face. "And about how pretty you are."

Wide Cordelia smile. "Duh."

"Am I pretty?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Please? Fishing for compliments?"

Willow poked at Cordy's ribs beneath her. "Come on. My self-esteem's all mopey cause of the Oz thing, you know."

Cordelia 's jocular expression vanished. "Yeah, forgot. That's tough."

Willow nodded, resting her chin on Cordelia's breasts. It was tough. Oz had left. And, yeah, his stuff was still there, but _he_ was gone, and Willow didn't know when he was coming back. Or if he was coming back.

And on the other hand, it gave her a chance to see Cordelia for the first time since Cordy had left for LA. And that was nice and things were so different now with college and Willow felt like she was on the brink of a whole new life. And maybe that's why Oz left. Cause, he was her old life...or something like that.

Cordy was...well, she was part of her old life. Because, hello! They had known each other for years. But maybe they could go somewhere new. Like, a new relationship place now that things were so different.

"Look, you're getting all thoughtful and stuff." Cordelia said. "It's cute."

Willow grinned. "And pretty?"

"Fine. Pretty." Cordelia brushed aside Willow's bangs. "Very pretty college girl."

Willow leaned forward to kiss her, shifting her body up so her breasts lay on top of Cordelia's. Squishy meeting squishy. Well, hers were slightly less squishy cause...smaller. But it was still a not-unpleasant sensation, even through clothing.

Just as with the kissing. Hot and slow with nibbling and moaning and Cordy's hand tangled in her hair. Willow could lose herself in this woman. Move past Oz. Be different. Change.

Or maybe be herself for once.

Cordelia's arm around her waist pulled her closer. One sneaky hand crept up Willow's bare back underneath her shirt. Cordelia's other hand tugged Willow's head up, and Willow obliged happily. She exposed her neck to Cordelia's attentions. Nimble fingers unclasped her bra.

Willow was straddling Cordelia's stomach with her hands combing through Cordelia's long, shampoo-commercial perfect hair. Cordelia's tongue teased her neck. Biting behind the ear. Fingers pinched her nipple while forcefully palming her breast.

Cordelia was such a demanding partner. So different from Oz.

Different was good.

Willow's shirt came off. She couldn't tell if she took it off or if Cordy did. Maybe it was a joint effort. But it was discarded along with her bra, and Cordelia pulled Willow forward even more to apply mouth to boob. Willow's legs had gone all tingly and her panties were probably ruined.

Hands reached into her jeans, cupping her ass. They squeezed hard and Cordy bit down on Willow's nipple. Willow gasped, clutching Cordy closer to her. She reached one knee back, positioning it between Cordy's legs. She could feel Cordy's wetness through the material at her knee. She applied pressure and was rewarded with a groan as Cordy moved her hips to match Willow's stimulation.

This could be the greatest thing ever. It would be like the silver lining on the whole Oz thing. Lose Oz, which was depressing and icky-making. But gain something she'd wanted for long before Oz even showed up. And then with the all-new hair and the all-new school and the all-new dorm she'd have an all-new life. With Cordelia. And things would be good and sweet and funny and different. Very, very different from how things had been before and how would she tell Xander anyway? But that wasn't what she needed to be thinking about know because oh God, Cordelia's hand was brushing between her legs and wow!

Rational thought shut down.

"Cordy," Willow said on a breath. "We should do it."

Cordelia's mouth left her breasts and why did it seem so cold? "Well, we kinda _are_ doing it, silly."

"No," Willow was panting but she couldn't stop the shakiness. "Not just that, but we should be...'us'. Like, together. You and I. In a couple sorta way." She smiled. It was an automatic thing when she said 'couple'.

Hands vanished from her jeans, and Cordelia scooted to sit up slightly. She squinted. "A couple. Us?"

"Yeah. Cause, well, we're both single now. And things are different now that we're out of high school. And it's not rebound or anything cause I liked you _way_ before I liked Oz, but it's just that now seems _right_ to do this, you know? We're independent and free and...well...we like each other. So..."

Cordelia laughed. "Have you lost it? We can't have a 'relationship', Willow!"

It was like somebody kicked her heart. And then stomped on her stomach. "Why not?"

"Well, hello? Me? With a woman? Come on! Besides, I'll never make it as an actress if I'm with a girl. Duh!"

Moisture at her eyes, but she could hold it in. "Yeah...did you meet any of the people in theater in high school?"

"Please. Those are _stage_ actors. They're supposed to be freaky. Screen actresses aren't. How many big name movie stars do you know who are in a lezbo relationship?"

Willow looked away because looking at Cordelia saying those words was painful. She stood up and snatched her bra and shirt from the floor.

"What are you doing?" Cordelia asked.

Okay, of course. When Willow wanted to make a quick, smooth exit, her hands were all shaky and tangling up the bra. Why were these things so complicated?

"I need to go...home. Cause of stuff." Strap was no longer wrapped around the cup. Good start. Now to actually put it on.

"What? Don't be like that. Look, we just can't do something like that. I mean, Angel and Doyle would look at me all funny like I was some freak. Plus, you're in Sunnydale. I'm in LA..."

Clasp. Clasp. Her fingers kept missing. "Yeah, I thought we could work around that or something. Obviously, a dumb idea. Silly me."

Clasp! Straps all untwisty and in place. Now the shirt.

Cordelia stood up. "You can't leave. You just got here! And you said you'd stay for the weekend. You haven't even met Phantom Dennis."

"Yeah, sorry." If Willow looked down at her shoeless feet she didn't have to look at Cordelia. Shoeless. Shoes? Where had her shoes gone?

"Hey!" Cordelia grabbed her hand. Willow still refused to look at her. "Don't be like that, Willow. This is...this is fun. And we can have fun together, and it'll be sweet and stuff. But it can't be anything _more_ than that. Come on, you know that. It would just be too...different."

Ah, there her shoes were. And what do you know? They were laughing at her.

Willow walked past Cordelia to fetch her shoes. "Let's just forget it."

"But I was looking forward to this weekend." Fingers stroked her back through her shirt. "I do want you."

If she turned to look at Cordy she'd start crying. "Not enough," she said. Not enough for Cordy. Not enough for Oz. Never enough.

Shoes were on. She broke contact with the enticing siren fingers to grab her bag. The door was in sight. Just leave. What happened in LA, stayed in LA. Walk away. It was a dumb idea anyway. Very dumb. What had she been thinking? Settling down with the girl she'd had a crush on for years? Being all out and proud like everybody would be okay with it? Believing that all this actually meant something to Cordelia when it obviously was just a bit of "fun" for her?

So dumb.

"Willow!"

Willow had the door open. The room seemed to be willing her to turn and look at Cordelia. Must be Phantom Dennis playing tricks on her. Because if she looked, she'd cave and she'd stay and they'd have such a fantastic time until Willow had to leave and then nothing. And it would kill her. To see how gorgeous Cordy is, and feel all the incredible things she could make her feel, and _not_ to have any more than that...

It would be the cruelest tease.

She ignored Cordelia.

Willow left, closing the door behind her.


	5. Vibrations

**Author's Note:** Set in S4 shortly before _The Yoko Factor_.

"So tomorrow I was thinking...we could go to the shelter and adopt a cat...together..."

If there were anything sweeter in the world, Willow didn't think she'd seen it. And she doubted it existed anyway. Because this girl, this beautiful, powerful girl, was it. Was everything. And she was changing everything. Things now began with Tara. Things now ended with Tara.

Willow had never felt so wholly a part of someone else.

"Yeah, that'd be fun." Willow smiled. "Oh! Then we could figure out what classes we're taking next semester."

Tara nodded eagerly. Their hands were almost, though not quite, touching. They were at the Bronze, listening to the band play. Somehow, it still seemed too public. Like it would be exposing something too new and fragile and vulnerable in this huge crowd of people.

"I gotta go. I have that final early tomorrow..." Tara said.

"Right. I kinda wanna stay and watch the rest of the set. If that's okay...?"

"Of course." Tara stood up. "I'll...uh...see you tomorrow then."

Willow smiled. Almost touching. "Yeah."

Then she was gone, and the band was playing and Willow was buzzing with happiness and rightness and everything was perfect.

Until she looked at the dance floor and saw _her_. A sparkly shirt and tight jeans with hair pulled back, and a carefree look on her face. Cordelia. Cordelia who _should_ be in L.A., but was here, instead, for some reason.

Oh, yeah, and Cordelia who had cavalierly punched at her heart while flashing her appealing assets at her in squealing, malevolent glee.

Okay, so maybe there hadn't been squealing. But there had been assets that had been dangled, just without any sort of, you know, emotional invest like Willow had been hoping. Then there had been disappointment and rejection and all-around badness.

Maybe she could slip out of the Bronze without Cordelia even noticing her. She'd miss the rest of the band, but being seen by Cordelia right now would be way, way worse. Especially after the Oz thing had just happened. This was not fair. What next? Xander showing up in formalwear?

Willow stood as the band finished their song. The dancing crowd paused for the brief break in between songs. If Willow didn't look over there, nobody would look at her. It was a perfect plan! Everybody knew that if you couldn't see someone, they couldn't see you! Right?

She had made it halfway to the door when she heard a distinctly Cordelia-like voice call her name.

Obviously, this was a coincidence, and Cordelia was _actually_ yelling, "Hello!" or "Will Hole!" or "Well, no!" or something like that. Cause...invisible, right?

Just as Willow had almost made it to the exit, though, she was grabbed and pulled into the dark janitor's closet. She pushed back against her abductor in the small confines, but she only succeeded in knocking herself off-balance and falling backwards against a shelf of what smelled like cleaning supplies.

"Ow! Geez!" The light clicked on, and there was Cordelia. "What's your problem?"

"My problem," Willow said as she stood upright. "Is you being here instead of in L.A. where you _should_ be! And why are you here anyway? And...you have bruises. Why do you have bruises?"

Okay, getting sidetracked.

"These bruises are _why_ I'm here. That crazy killer, Faith, that you sent our way decided it'd be fun to use me and Wesley to practice her punching skills. For some reason, Angel's letting her _live_ with him. So here I am, cause I am _not_ working upstairs from that psycho girl!"

It's obvious she'd tried to cover the bruise with make-up, but Willow could still see the rough outline of the dark splotch around her eye and cheekbone. The flickering fluorescent light of the closet just made it stand out more. Willow reached a hand, almost touching it. Not quite though. Outside, the music of the club hummed.

"Faith," Willow said. "Yeah, Buffy just went down to L.A. to help with that. But...Angel's living with her?"

"I know. He thinks he can 'reform' her or something. So I took some vacation time and came up here to visit some friends. I'll go back down when he finally wises up and kills her. Or, you know, she kills him. In which case, I'm thinking Bermuda."

Yikes! "Hopefully Buffy can talk some sense into him."

"And you're totally ignoring the question I asked, Willow. What's the deal? I call your name, and you try to pull a Houdini."

Suddenly, every part of the closet _but_ Cordelia seemed interesting. Like the toilet brush. Actually, that was kinda ew. Willow made a mental note to never use the bathroom at the Bronze, and to make sure her loved ones never did, either.

"Willow?"

Cordelia's voice forced Willow's attention back to her. Cordelia, blocking the exit, waiting with not-very-patient expectance for an answer.

But why was Cordelia being all demanding? Cause Willow had a right to not want to talk to her! Willow's the wronged one! She just saw the bruises and felt all sympathetic and that gave Cordelia the upper hand, but Willow suddenly remembered the whys and all, and her determination came back to her.

"It shouldn't be that hard to figure out, you know. We didn't exactly part on the best of terms last time."

Cordelia was quiet. Willow wished, not for the first time, that Cordelia would be more expressive. Instead, her face was like a mask. Willow could never figure out what she was thinking.

Though, usually, Cordelia was more than willing to let everybody _know_ exactly what she was thinking.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I guess I was hoping to see you when I came up here. Because we were...close, and I miss that. And especially now because there's been a lot of changes in my life since then, and _I've_ changed. I wanna make things better with you."

No, no, no! Willow wanted to cover her ears to avoid hopping on the "what could've been" merry-go-round.

"I'm seeing someone now," Willow blurted out.

Cordelia looked surprised. "Oh. What's his name?"

"_Her_ name is Tara."

Outside, the band had stopped playing and the house music was on. The vibrations resounded through the dirt-covered confines of the closet.

"Well, there you go!" Cordelia said finally. "I mean, you got it. _It_. And...that's goodfor you. So that makes us in the past, right?"

It felt like someone was sucking the air from her chest. Not just the air. The tissue, the blood, the organs...everything. She was empty, and it ached. "Do you want us to be in the past?"

"Of course not, you dummy! When we were together it was like...special, you know? Like I could be someone that was closer to me than I usually am. I wanted that, but anything more...it's just too much. With the distance and the whole lesbian thing and now with the visions - "

"The what?"

"Oh, I get visions from The Powers. See person in need, send Angel out to save them, yadda yadda yadda. It's kinda like being a 911 dispatch for Good. Just with massive headaches and no benefits."

"Oh."

"Yeah. So I have to be there in L.A. with Angel. I don't have a choice now."

Willow nodded. "So things are better this way."

Cordelia sighed. She grabbed Willow's hand. "Things can be better _this_ way."

Willow's head was all spinny now. She didn't even know what they were arguing about. What did she want anyway? Tara? Cordelia? Hadn't everything been perfect? So why did Cordelia touching her feel like that last part of the jigsaw puzzle being put in place?

"Cordy," she said, looking down at her shoes. "Can't we just..."

"Just...be friends?" Cordelia finished.

Willow looked up at her while nodding. She squeezed Cordy's hand. "Just..I _want_ you in my life somehow. I need you. And now...we can't be with each other like _that_ obviously cause...well, obviously. But we can still..."

"Be there for each other."

"Yeah."

Cordy smiled. "Good."

Then she was kissing Willow. It was unexpected, and Willow hesitated a brief second before melting into it. Swept up by Cordelia's arm around her back, and the soft yet commanding insistences of Cordy's tongue. So Cordelia.

When they pulled apart, Willow's chest was no longer empty. Instead, it tingled. Well, her chest and other areas.

"That was - "

"Don't worry," Cordy said. "Wesley got one, too."

"Oh. Yeah, I'd hate to think I was special."

Cordy laughed. "I'm teasing, silly." She tucked Willow's hair back behind her ear. Her eyes softened. "You're very special to me. My little nerd. That was just...well, I couldn't resist now that we're good again. You don't...mind?"

"Mind? No!" Mind kissing Cordy? What a dumb question. "I'm glad. Um...do you need a place to stay for the night? I mean, I dorm with Buffy but she's out of town, so there's even a free bed if you need..."

"I was gonna stay with Brooke, but she lives with some loser boyfriend who smokes. Which...ew! So...yeah. That sounds good."

Perfect. The night had become perfect again.

Willow looked to the door. "Then...I guess we need to get out of this closet."


	6. Lesbian

**Title:** Closet: Lesbian  
**Pairing:** Willow/Cordelia. That's 'Wordy' to you!  
**Setting:** AtS S2/BtVS S5 after _Family_/_Guise Will Be Guise_  
**Rating:** PG  
**Word count:** 1,430  
**Summary:** While in LA for a conference, and in the midst of a gloomy identity crisis, Willow meets up with Cordelia again.

**Note:** Low on the sexiness for this one. I promise, there will be sexytimes in the next installment. *swears*

Willow dragged her soggy french fry through ketchup before popping it in her mouth. She chewed silently.

It had been a choice between McDonald's or Border Grill. Willow would have preferred the latter, but she couldn't bear to eat at a sit-in restaurant by herself. And since her mother had bailed on her for lunch so as to go out with a gaggle of professional colleagues, Willow had no choice _but_to eat by herself.

So she poked at the pitiful-looking hamburger while sitting in the food court of the mall. Said mall was directly across from the convention center where the National Sociological Association was holding its annual convention. Her mother had bought a ticket for Willow, stating that there were to be a number of presentations about the "gay and lesbian lifestyle" that Willow would find fascinating.

After all, lesbians of her age and social group were often voracious in exploring their identity, especially at this stage of Willow's coming out process, so Sheila Rosenberg was certain that Willow would find the lectures enlightening and valuable.

Lesbian.

_Lesbian_.

That was a word with baggage. Willow wasn't even sure if it fit her, and yet now that she was in a relationship with a girl, everybody was eager to bury her under it. Obviously, yes, gay to some extent. But _lesbian_?

Tara was a lesbian. She'd been out. She'd faced prejudice and discrimination, from her own family no less. What had Willow faced? Maybe some awkwardness from her friends, but besides that? The presentations talked of hate crimes, but Willow hadn't dealt with any of that.

It's like she hadn't earned her gay stripes.

How could she take on the "lesbian" label when she didn't exactly fit in with the specifics of that particular social category?

After the events of Tara's birthday, Willow felt more in love with her than ever. She also felt more distant from "lesbian". And the more that people kept trying to shove her into that box, the more she resisted.

_Lesbian_.

As if the mere thought of the word had summoned her from the depths of the city, Cordelia appeared laden with a panoply of shopping bags. She swung them onto the chair across from Willow and smiled.

"So you didn't tell me you were going to be in LA."

Willow frowned. She hadn't told many people. She hadn't exactly been happy about the trip. Her mother had bought the ticket without asking her if she'd even wanted it. And she hadn't even bought a ticket for Tara - which was rude and probably a sign of some larger issue with her mother. Willow often wished she knew half the stuff her mother knew, just so she could diagnose her with _Academianus annoyingus_or pontificate about the effects of society-wide pedantry on middle class women in the 40-50 age bracket. Or something.

Cordy had already scooted into the booth next to Willow.

"What are you doing here?" Willow asked, trying to make conversation.

"Shopping! Duh! Are you done with those fries?" Cordelia grabbed a couple.

Willow pushed the rest over to her. "There's an academic conference across the street. I'm here with my mom."

"Oh." Cordy blinked. "That's...cool."

"No, it's not."

"Okay, totally not." Cordelia waved a hand. "You will _not_believe what's been happening around here..."

Willow's thoughts wandered as Cordy crafted a soaring narrative. It's not that she didn't care about what was going on in Cordy's life. She'd thought a lot about her friend in the past months. She'd sent a card last summer when Cordy had been in the hospital! And then she'd phoned her after the hospital stay, just to check in on her!

But then Willow had been getting closer to Tara, which made her feel further from Cordy, but then she all of a sudden hit the "lesbian" brick wall and was now all discombobulated and out of sorts.

"Willow, what's wrong?"

Cordy's sharp voice cut through her meandering mind. Willow turned to face the former cheerleader.

"Huh?"

"Well, you haven't reacted at all, even though I'm telling you that _Darla_, Angel's old squeeze, is back."

"Oh." Willow blinked.

"Also," Cordy continued. "My hand has been inching up your thigh for the past minute, but you've barely noticed."

With a start, Willow realized that that was true. Cordy's hand was heavy on her thigh, roughly grabbing her through her skirt.

It wasn't unpleasant.

But it was confusing.

Willow put her hand over Cordy's, turning the almost-grope into a handhold - under the table for discretion, of course.

"Cordelia, do you think of yourself as a lesbian?"

Cordy laughed. "Uh...no. I mean, I'm not exactly chasing after girls, am I?"

Willow reminded herself to breathe evenly. This topic, for some reason, made her run out of air.

"But you and I..."

"Whatever. That doesn't make me a lesbo or anything. We're just...very good friends." Cordelia squeezed Willow's hand. "What's with the serious over this?"

Willow shrugged. "Bunch of stuff. My mom, Tara, Tara's family. They all think I should be a lesbian or I am a lesbian, but the word doesn't seem to fit for me."

"Well, you were with Oz."

Willow nodded. "Yeah."

"Wanna know what I think?"

"I have a feeling you're just gonna tell me anyway."

Cordy didn't pause. "There's...us, and then there's _lesbians_. You know? We're not all butch and mannish and stuff, ravashing weirdo lipstick lesbos or anything. We're just normal girls who - sometimes - kiss other girls that we like."

A part of what Cordelia said made sense. Another part made Willow want to curl up and cry.

A stocky woman with a buzz cut wearing bermuda shorts walked past their table on her way to the trash can. She stalked away.

Cordelia eyed her before looking back at Willow. "See, you don't wanna be _that_."

Did she? Didn't she? Obviously, Willow couldn't cut the butch look. But what if she was one of those weirdo lipstick lesbos? Except without the lipstick because Willow didn't really bother with it most of the time. Or ever, really, because lipstick never made sense to her since it always wore off and you had to keep putting it on and what was the point of that?

"When'd you get all wise?" Willow asked, hoping to change the subject. All this lesbian talk made her feel like she was in high school again.

Cordelia elbowed her. "I've always been wise, dummy." The brunette looked around at the rapidly emptying food court. Lunchtime was ending. "What are your plans for this afternoon?"

"Uh..." Willow recovered her hand to rummage through her bag. She pulled out the convention program schedule. "Sociometric Measures of Income Comparing Gay and Lesbian Couples with Straight Couples in Rural Communities."

"While that sounds _thrilling_, maybe you could play hooky on your mom and come back over to my place."

_Lesbian_.

Willow folded the program. She couldn't do this now. Not while she was in this mental quagmire. Going home with Cordy would complicate things even more. Her friend was enticing as ever, vibrant as ever, gorgeous as ever. And yet, something didn't sit right in the things she'd said.

Those things...they'd been what Willow had wanted to hear, right? Something other than the constant lesbian litany.

It wasn't any better, though.

"I really can't," Willow said, though the words felt hollow. Like they were deflating and thumping to the floor as soon as they left her mouth. "My mom would notice." Such a lie. Her mom hadn't even remembered her to take her to lunch. Willow was a convenient Lesbian Daughter trophy for her mom to brandish to her academic colleagues. Willow's actual presence, her person, wasn't required for _that_.

"Oh," Cordelia said, frowning for the first time. "Well, okay."

Willow grabbed her bag as she stood. She didn't make eye contact with Cordelia.

Cordy gathered up her shopping bags. "You're acting so weird," Cordy said.

Willow shrugged. "I'll make it up to you later."

When she looked up, she found Cordelia's gaze. It trapped her, careening her around and twirling her heart into little dizzy figure-eight patterns. Maybe infinity patterns? Cause her and Cordelia always came back to each other?

That was stupid, and so was her heart pounding so quickly at the mere look from this other woman, and suddenly Willow thought about how stupid _she_was to not take Cordelia's invitation.

Cordy stepped toward her with her imposing force of will to stare down at Willow.

_Lesbian_.

"I'm holding you to that." Cordelia smiled affectionately. "My little nerd."


End file.
